[NSR] ponderisms and other random humor

[bigbropgo]

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

enjoy

[Milktown]

haha thanks that made my day.

[r0sa]

made me smile

[Skootz Kabootz]

Love it
I can't help but think George Carlin has something to do with this.

[Howardr]

Those indestructible black boxes they always find in airplane crashes; why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

[DennisD]

Maybe Carlin, but sounds a lot like Stephen Wright. Very good, thanks.

[Apiarist]

everyone, add yer own. i'll go next
why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

[Milktown]

why does the sun make our skin darker but our hair lighter?

[laxer]

When you take something in a car it's a shipment, when you take something in a ship it's cargo.

When is the right time to tell a highway that it's adopted?

[ScootStevie]

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

[BeachBuzz]

why is it our noses run and our feet smell?

[TVB]

Where does the rain in Spain stay when it isn't on the plain?

[bigbropgo]

********************************* ********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.
**************************************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer..

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR !
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to

avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So.......................



Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...and go move your toothbrush !!!

[bigbropgo]

These are really Cool Tips!


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5.IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES , USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

[bigbropgo]

....AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED



My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed... I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up tothe truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible..."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started.....

******************************************




*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes

from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded

that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience

at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.

You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My Word!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[dawg onit]

LOVEN IT!

[bigbropgo]

Its probably been over ten years since I found this funny site. And I haven't really explored it extensively. But one feature has been pretty funny. And fun to revisit.

www.playerappreciate.com

On the main page you enter your name,(or any name) any it will generate you new pimp name. I entered scooter scooter, and the following is a list of pimp names I will pick from for my scooter.

Snake Eyes s. Dazzle
Stickey Fingers scooter smooth
pimptastic s. Sneed
Tricktickler scooter sweetness
Stealth maestro scooter tickle
Reverend doctor scooter Valentine
Bishop Don scooter wicked
Diamondtrim scooter skilzz

And so on. Good times.

[bigbropgo]

someone sent me this link and i couldn't stop laughing. i have been on the sending and recieving end of this crazy stuff.

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

[Keys]

...so a funny thing happened to me on the way to work today.

Wait. That wasn't me.

[KRUSTYburger]

Reverend doctor scooter Valentine

That's the one. ^



A friend sent me this one the other day:

A lawyer is on an airplane sitting next to an old guy who is trying to sleep.
The lawer wants to see how much money he can get from the old guy so he proposes a game.

"Hey old man, lets play a game. I will ask you a question. For every question you cannot
answer you will pay me $5. And for every question I cannot answer I will pay you $5."
The old man says "Listen, I am trying to sleep. Go try to take money from somone else."
So the lawyer says, "Look, I will make the game even more interesting. For every question
I cannot answer I will pay you $500. And if you cannot answer one of my questions then
you will still only pay me $5."

The old man agrees to play only because he hopes that the lawyer will leave him alone
and let him sleep afterwards. So the lawyer says "Ok, what is the distance from the earth to the sun?"
The old man opens up his wallet and hands the lawyer $5.

"Is it my turn now?" Says the old man. "Yes" says the lawyer.
So the old man says "What goes up a hill with 4 legs but only goes down a hill with 3 legs?"
The lawyer searches frantically on the internet with his laptop, calls a friend and does
everything he can but cannot find an answer. So the lawyer wakes up the old man and
hands him $500 then says "So, what DOES go up a hill with 4 legs and down with only 3?"
The old man shrugs and hands the lawyer $5 then turns over and goes back to sleep.

[bigbropgo]

...so a funny thing happened to me on the way to work today.

Wait. That wasn't me.

keys, are you saying your life is void of humor?

[jmkjr72]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"

......Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there
besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"They're looking for me!"

[bigbropgo]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedule, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error,
sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting message from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: Jan. 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!